By Alison Feinauer
I was on my way to a funeral for a dear, sweet lifelong friend of mine who passed away too soon. I had an overwhelming sense of anxiety, unsettledness, fear, call it something… I just couldn’t put my finger on it. I hadn’t seen her family in 20 years. I was honored to even be invited to the funeral. (Because of Covid-19, it was by invitation only.) I knew I needed to go. I wanted to go. I knew it would be awkward. What funeral isn’t?
She was 40, so young. It was so sudden. She was getting better, recovering from a surgery gone bad. We all thought she was out of the woods. The day before Valentine’s Day, it all ended. Her heart had had enough. It gave up.
I went to the funeral. Bravely, prayerfully, I asked the Lord to use me how He wanted, asking that I could be His Light to her family, reminding them of what she said about them, sharing memories of our times together with her young sons, and reflecting on the beautiful person she had been to me. She was someone who forgave quickly, never judged, and welcomed everyone just as they were. She had enough love for everyone to go around.
After the funeral, as I was driving home (3 hours), I realized what was bothering me. I was giving a little voice named Shame space in my head. This voice was whispering that I wasn’t a good enough friend, if I had just shown up a little more, if I had just… fill in the blank. When I finally recognized the voice, it was clear I had to SHUT IT DOWN, speak truth, and put it in its place. I could have let this paralyze me, keep me from going to the funeral, keep me from showing up and sharing her story, keep me from all the things she wanted me to say to her loved ones, keep me from being the Light Jesus wanted me to be.
How many times do we allow shame to dominate us and scare us into not showing up for the important things? I love being able to see it and stop its destruction in my life. You can do the same.
I had opened my Bible a few days after she had passed and this scripture came to my attention.
“I waited and waited and waited some more, patiently, knowing God would come through for me. Then, at last, he bent down and listened to my cry. He stooped down to lift me out of danger from the desolate pit I was in, out of the muddy mess I had fallen into. Now he’s lifted me up into a firm, secure place and steadied me while I walk along his ascending path” (Psalms 40: 1-2 TPT).
It was one of those times you read it, and think, “This is the answer I was looking for.”
Maybe this had been her cry. She was firm in her faith, secure now in the arms of Jesus. I longed for my friend here, to text, to talk and laugh with again. But I was also reassured that she was with Him and ok.
I then remembered it on my drive home. I waited for the Lord in my shame, my desolate pit, and He came through, stooped down, and put me in a firm, secure place. That is Love. God is good.
If you are stuck in some shame or in a waiting period for God to come through for you, read through this verse and make it your truth. He will lift you to a firm and secure place. He will steady you on the path you walk on. Trust HIM.
