By Alison Feinauer
I left the house and forgot to close the garage door and lock the doors. I came home to my husband pointing out what I had forgotten to do. This was just the tipping point of a long-awaited breaking.
I went to the laundry room, sat on the floor, and just cried. I realized I’d run out, out of my own strength and my own ability to do everything. I feel like a failure on most days because laundry is piled up, the fridge is bare and the guilt that I yelled at my son again for interrupting my meeting to help him with his math. I felt weary.
This thought came to my mind…I went on a run and there were two big dogs in a yard I ran by. There was no visible fence. I wondered if I was safe or would they come after me. They knew the boundary well because if crossed, it would shock them. I couldn’t see it or know where it was. Therefore, I couldn’t respect it and give them space. I felt unsure and honestly frightened.
I’ve been struggling with Covid-19, all the restrictions, and all of the not normal “rules” that have impacted our lives. It’s almost like the invisible fence. I’m the dog, and I’m getting shocked all. the. time. I can’t see them. I run at lightning speed with my life, my to do list (that I can never seem to make because I’m so busy), and all the hats I’m trying to wear as a mom, home “teacher,” working from home, etc. Then pile holidays on top of it. I could go on. You don’t need to hear my story, because you are living it yourself.
No wonder I’m weary. I’m the dog trying to learn my new boundaries, the one’s no one can see, and I just get shocked. The people in my life look at me wondering if I’m going to attack them because they can’t see the boundaries I need or have either. It’s hard. There’s no end in sight. And I decided last night with the garage door incident, I’m done.
Done. Dead. Over.
Sounds final. Sounds like giving up. Sounds like failure. NO. It sounds like freedom.
I’m taking off the heavy coat I’ve been wearing, the “old man’s” life. I’m burning it. I say no more. All that I was, all that I thought I was is now dead. It died with Jesus. Me being superwoman in my own strength? Goodbye.
I have a new spirit that is saved and my body and soul are being saved. This is working out my salvation, surrender, willingness to put on the “new man,” to live IN JESUS, to HIDE myself in the shadow of the Almighty, to let my weakness be His strength…
I don’t have to do this on my own. This is where I rely on Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and His promises of strength when I am weary. It’s a new day, a new dawn. It’s the breaking that is beautiful and the surrender that really is freeing.
Are you weary? Do you need to learn to walk in a different strength? Have you run out of your own?
There is a new life for you. It’s not the way the world operates. It’s better, so much better.
God my Father, I’m done doing it on my own. I need you. Every hour I need you. I’ve been operating out of fear of failing and trying to carry it all. I need your joy and peace and promises to guide my life. Help me learn how to live differently and have the boundaries that you want me to have. I surrender it all to you, and I receive your power, grace, and love over my life. Give me a new hope. I love and trust you. Amen.
“For I will satisfy the weary soul, and every languishing soul I will replenish” (Jeremiah 31:25).
“Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need” (Hebrews 4:16).
“For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him” (2 Chronicles 16:9).
