By Alison Feinauer
“Difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations.”
I saw this quote on Pinterest the other day and loved it. I’ve felt this way so many times about my life. I was reminded of why just the other day.
I was in a group setting last week and the question was asked: What have you been through that has been difficult, that you can look back on and see how you grew from it?
The first thing that came to mind was my eating disorder. So much of my life was defined by it.
- I remember the nights laying in the bathroom after a binge/purge episode pleading for God to heal me from it.
- I remember going days with only eating a few hundred calories and going to the gym 2 times a day.
- I remember eating a whole pan of brownies because one wasn’t enough.
- I remember hiding food in my closet and then eating it when no one was around because I was so lonely.
- I remember going through Taco Bell and McDonalds on my way home to get all the food I wanted to eat and then topping it off with half a pack of chocolate chips.
- I remember passing out at the gym because I didn’t eat before I worked out thinking it would make me fat.
- I remember how I wanted to lose weight more than I wanted to produce breast milk for my baby, so I sliced my calories so I could get the weight off quicker.
- I remember the day I had to tell my husband what I’d been hiding for so long and all the shame and pain in that.
- I remember when my worth was defined in the way I looked and how much the scale said.
- I remember my emptiness, my selfishness, and my need for control.
- I remember my desperation to get better, yet I felt like I had no hope.
But then….as I thought about the pain, loss and shame….
- I remembered the freedom I felt from confessing to someone safe about it all.
- I remembered the first group I was in where I could share it all and not feel like I was the only one.
- I remembered when I realized my worth was not in my body, but in who God made me.
- I remembered my 6 month mark from the last time I’d binged.
- I remembered having 2 or 3 brownies and not 10.
- I remembered my first cruise that I didn’t purge at all.
- I remembered going to the gym for 45 minutes and feeling like it was enough.
- I remembered going to dinner and not counting the calories.
- I remembered planning my healthy food for the week and sticking with it.
- I remembered all the friendships I’ve gained because of my sickness.
- I remembered all the intimate times I’ve had Jesus right with me, loving me and forgiving me.
- I remembered someone telling me that if this is the weakness that brings me to Jesus’ feet and keeps me needing him, so be it.
- I remembered writing a forgiveness letter to myself.
- I remembered writing scriptures on cards and reading them every morning as my lifeline to healing.
- I remembered all the others that have been able to confess to me about their secret addiction and start their healing.
- I remembered all the wholeness that’s come from my brokenness.
- I remembered my freedom and now yours.
And not for a minute would I take any of it back.
“Where sin abounds, grace abounds much more” (Romans 5:20). Because of my sin, I know the depth of His grace and love for me.
I have compassion for anyone who struggles with an addiction. I understand how difficult it is.
If you are in the middle of it. Don’t give up hope. If you are through it, don’t forget to remember and give away that hope to others.
Father, thank you for never giving up on us. Thank you for your loving kindness that leads to repentance, and your power and truth that lead to healing. You are our only Hope. No matter what we face today, go before us. Help us to remember your goodness and faithfulness. Show up in our lives where we are crying out to you. We love and trust you. Amen.
“Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life” (Psalm 143:8).
