By Alison Feinauer
I used to develop film for a job. In a dark, locked room, I took strips of film, pulled them out of the protective tube and began the process of developing them. I needed water and some solutions. I’d put the film and paper in a machine for a set amount of time and then let it sit out to dry. It was a long process. But if I cut it short at all, the film would not be printed properly.
This memory came to me as I was listening to a podcast. They mentioned something about going into the dark room with Jesus, and I started putting it together.
God made you perfectly in your mother’s womb. After birth and younger years, you finally come to an age where you are trying to find out who you are. Other people have told you up until now, and you have all of their “snapshots” on your 35mm roll in your heart. Now it’s time for exposure.
What does that look like for me in a practical way: I asked God to remind me of a time when I was exposed to a lie. The memory that came was when I was afraid of the dark. I thought someone could get in my window. It was an awful fear that caused me to not want to go to bed. My 4th grade teacher said, “If you are ever scared of someone taking you, just think, no one would want you anyway.” And oddly enough, that became my new comfort.
As a 9 year old, that moment was when a core belief took root: that I wasn’t worth loving. Rejection became a friend and a safe hiding place. How sad for that to be my comfort. But it was on my 35 mm heart film and needed exposed.
I invited Jesus into this memory. I imagined him rubbing my back at bedtime, telling me he’s right there, I’m safe, I’m loved, and He’s with me. He’s my protector, and He wants me. He won’t let anything happen to me. I’m special, and He’s my keeper.
He redeemed all those nights that I lay there trying to be still so no one would see me in the window, that scared little girl afraid to fall asleep.
Maybe that’s why my eating disorder and rejection have been my “friends.” I was always wanting to measure up, never feeling wanted or good enough. “No one would want me anyway,” right?
Until I go into the dark room with Jesus, and allow His light to shine on those dark hidden places that no one knows about, (and I had honestly forgotten about) that core belief stays unchanged. But He wanted to redeem that for me. I’m exposed now. I know the truth. I’ve been put through a process and developed. Now I’m a finished picture of his love and truth. He was able to take the negative of that situation and show the beauty of His unfailing love.
I’m not sure what memory you have. Maybe you’ve tucked it away or forgotten it. But I ask you to go to the developing room, get in the dark, quiet place with Jesus, and let His light expose the secret places. Let His love and presence give you a new picture of where He was during that time, how He was with you, wants to redeem that memory, and bring truth to the moments of your past.
My prayer for you and me is: God, please expose me, my heart, my soul, the dark places, and bring them to your light. Help me to see your redemption. Put me in the machine. You’re THE developer, and you are so careful with the process. If anyone (thing) opens the door, they ruin it all. So lock the doors and take me into your Holy of Holies. Expose me so that I can reflect you. Amen
You formed my innermost being, shaping my delicate inside and my intricate outside, and wove them all together in my mother’s womb. I thank you, God, for making me so mysteriously complex! Everything you do is marvelously breathtaking. It simply amazes me to think about it! How thoroughly you know me, Lord (Psalm 139:13-14 TPT)!
When you sit enthroned under the shadow of Shaddai, you are hidden in the strength of God Most High. He’s the hope that holds me and the Stronghold to shelter me, the only God for me, and my great confidence. He will rescue you from every hidden trap of the enemy, and he will protect you from false accusation and any deadly curse (Psalm 91:1-2).
