By Kelsey Klepper
I’m reflecting back on all the times I lost weight. Sometimes I hit the goal number; sometimes I didn’t. Even if I hit the goal, it was never good enough; I always wanted more. The means of getting to those numbers were always thought of as “disciplined behaviors” from outsiders.
I honestly had myself fooled into believing that I was just very disciplined with my eating and exercise habits. Obsessive, shameful, and destructive are much more fitting adjectives for my past behaviors. I felt so confident when I would see the number on the scale go down and when my pants became a little looser. It wasn’t just confidence though; it was like a high. Tracking my weight loss was all consuming.
I would lose the weight, then what?
I would continue tracking my weight because I couldn’t allow it to go back up. I had to keep it there or go for my next goal. At some point, I would lessen my food rules and restrictions because I couldn’t say no to calories forever; my body was starving. At some point I would realize, “Oh, I can eat this stuff and not gain the weight back.” I wasn’t just eating the stuff; I was binging.
Remember, my body was starving from the months of restriction. It’s a normal response to restriction (physical or mental), to “feel out of control around food.” I lost the weight, felt more confident for a hot second, and could fit into old pants. I was “healthier” for being in the ‘normal’ BMI range for once.
It felt good to hit a goal. But I was now in a binge-restrict cycle of eating. I continued to compulsively exercise. The guilt and shame around my body, eating and exercise habits were insane. I never saw it as such though.
I would lose the weight and then continue to be obsessed with my weight and body. It was always all consuming.
I never intended to become fixated on my body and behaviors. I never intended to live in shame or fear food for over a decade. I never intended to become obsessed with a number on a scale. I never intended to choose my diet over special moments with people I loved.
The enemy will attack us where we are weak, where he can take a hit and keep us from Jesus. He had me right where he wanted me, so much so that I didn’t realize it was him all along. I was shackled to mountains of lies about my body and self-worth.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full (John 10:10).
It’s possible to live in freedom from the shame around our bodies and never feeling good enough. Life is so much more abundant and joyful when our body size and weight are no longer our obsession. God never intended that our bodies become all-consuming. That’s not His truth.
The more we know his truth, the better equipped we are to fight back when the enemy attacks. He will attack again and again. He still attacks my thoughts around my body. But I’m no longer in the chains I once was, because I know His truths and believe them.
Lord, my outward appearance is not what is important. For You, O Lord, look at my heart (1 Samuel 16:7).
I am holy to the LORD my God. He has chosen me as His treasured possession (Deuteronomy 7:6).
