By Alison Feinauer
I was driving through the line the other day to drop my son off at school. I was in a hurry and thought, I’ll get him out of the car quickly and go “around” the long line. As I snuck around the side exit, I got stuck by a teacher trying to “back into a spot”. You know one of those people who always like to back into spots… (my husband included) just drives me crazy. So I sat and waited and of course, the cars I “should” have been in front of, I’m now watching leave before me.
I was finally released, I turned a corner too sharply and hit a HUGE pothole I didn’t see. Immediately, my front tire deflated. So my rushed, get out of the line thinking, quickly turned into an hour waiting for AAA to come rescue me. Then the flood of thoughts came: we have to pay for a whole new tire since it was a sidewall that I ruined, if I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry, why did I disobey the rules of the line, what was the rush, I didn’t really even have a meeting to get to. Yes, all of the self punishment came rushing in. Shame and anger were now my loudest voices.
I called my sister and, of course, she comforted me, telling me we are all human and it’s OK. At least I was safe and in a parking lot. It could’ve been worse. I texted my husband, telling him there was no need to be upset with me, I was already punishing myself enough.
It didn’t end there. As I was driving to work, the pain got heavier and heavier. I’m in a process lately of trying not to just shove my feelings down and make the “best” of every situation, but to actually pause, and say this hurts and invite the Holy Spirit into to reveal truth and to comfort me.
Just the day before, I had prayed for God to bring me wisdom and to teach me how to receive comfort from the Holy Spirit from Psalm 23:4, “Your Rod and Your staff, they comfort me.”
What does this look like in real life? The Rod and Staff being comfort, correction, and bringing me safety from my loving Father?
As I processed this and prayed, I had a few revelations. I am a selfish being. I was putting my needs and desires in front of the rules of the school. If I don’t want to sit in the line, I need to arrive sooner. And so often in my days, I do act entitled and prideful like I’m “above the law”.
This is not OK. It’s humbling and good to observe my human actions and see how they line up with what God’s truth is for me. What He wants for me: patience, self-control, humility, respect for those in authority, and honor. It brings me to repentance. That is where freedom is.
Is there a place where you need repentance? It may be a moment or a behavior that you need to look at and search out some motives that may not be so kind. Ask God to help you see that. Or maybe there are some desires you need to be honest about with yourself? I didn’t like seeing this ugly truth about me, but it’s there.
Awareness is such a good place for us to start. Bringing it into the light breaks its power and moves us to the next place in our journey.
Father, forgive me for this, for pride and help me to slow down. I need you to help me stop rushing and to stop striving. I want to learn to rest and increase my trust in you, not only in my heart but through my everyday actions. Help me to think before I act. And thank you so much for being my comfort when I feel like I’ve failed again and when I’m in the pit of hopelessness. Increase my expectations and my trust in You, for You to turn all things into good for those who love You. Amen.
