By Kimberly Davidson
One night I (Kimberly) met up with a guy friend at a bar. As usual, I’d begun my journey to getting plastered. He took me to a small party at some dude’s apartment where we continued to booze it up. I was led into a bedroom by one of the guys. Wasted and barely conscious, I didn’t realize until hours later that four guys raped me.
The word spread like wildfire in the college dorm that I “pulled a train” (when a group of males, one after the other, have sex with a woman). My guy friend didn’t stand up for me, and my peers ostracized and ignored me, presuming I “wanted it.” To them, and to me, the only difference between me and a prostitute was I didn’t exchange money. I felt covered inside and out with the vomit of humiliation and shame, and it wouldn’t wash off no matter how many showers I took.
I don’t know which felt worse—feeling defiled from the “gang rape” or the social judgment. Both were bad. Emotionally frozen, my only recourse was to keep this horrid incident a secret. (I’m so glad this happened before phone cameras!) Eventually I just became numb to being used and thrown out. The way I felt was the way I acted. What I’ve done can never be undone. I’m a very bad person. I’m hideous and worthless. It’s no secret. I’m ignored as if I don’t exist. I’m naked for everyone to stare at. I have no value to those whose opinions matter most.
Shame is the intensely painful feeling that we are unworthy of love and belonging—and one no one wants to talk about. You’ve most likely been plagued by it most of your life, and never identified it as shame.
It’s been suggested that we live in a shame-prone culture, meaning, too many people struggle with feeling worthy. Shame comes out of all social systems—the family, schools, workplace, church, the community and government. Fear of ridicule is used to keep people in line. Self-worth is tied to achievement and productivity. There’s favoritism, blaming, and finger-pointing in schools and the workplace. We live in a “never enough” society which is leaving casualties by its wayside.
I believe shame is the most toxic human emotion. Researcher Dr. Brené Brown asserts there are 12 “shame categories.” Which ones do you think your shame messages come out of? Appearance and body image | Family | Motherhood/fatherhood | Mental and physical health | Addiction | Sex | Aging | Religion | Trauma | Being stereotyped or labeled.
Shame’s only positive purpose is to lead us into a relationship with the Healer—Jesus. His love and acceptance make our shame crawl out of its hiding place and we begin to heal. “Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame” (Psalm 34:5).
The first thing we must do is break the silence since shame thrives on secret keeping. You’ve probably heard the saying, “You’re only as sick as your secrets.” Research proves that when we don’t discuss a traumatic event, such as our shame-based experiences, it can be more damaging than the actual event. Begin by telling Jesus. He understands how you feel (Hebrews 4:15). Conversely, when people share their feelings, their mental and physical health improves. If we can share our shame experience with someone who responds empathically, the memory will be reshaped positively. Writing about our shame is another powerful healing tool.[i]
Reach out! Own your story. Don’t bury it. And don’t let it define you.
“Guard my life and rescue me; do not let me be put to shame, for I take refuge in you” (Psalm 25:20)
[i] Stated in Brene Brown, Daring Greatly (New York: Gotham Books, 2012) 82.
