By Kelsey Klepper
I went on my first diet as an 8th grader and instantly received praise from family and friends on how good I looked. I didn’t know it then, but this was the beginning of a 10 year battle of binge and restrict eating and feeling unworthy.
Throughout high school, I continued yo-yo dieting – 10 pounds off and 15 pounds back on. I tried numerous fad diets and was obsessed with burning off the calories I consumed. I realized I could eliminate calories by exercising more, so I would spend hours on the elliptical – going to the gym before and after school.
On the outside I had it all together. I was the Salutatorian of my class, had a great group of friends, was in a stable relationship, was good at sports, went to church on Sundays, etc. But on the inside, my thoughts grew more and more fixated on a number on the scale and whether or not I felt skinny enough. Every time I hit a goal weight, I found myself off of the current diet I was on and back to overeating and gaining back the weight.
College only escalated my poor body image issues and insecurities. My freshman year I decided to major in dietetics/nutrition. Why wouldn’t I do something that I “loved”? I still didn’t realize at the time that my obsession with the scale was taking over my life and this was just one more thing to hold me accountable to being skinny.
During the summer after my freshman year, I wanted to give the low carb diet another go around. I was having awful mood swings and lashing out at my boyfriend (now husband). I hated the way it made me feel, but I thought being skinny was the greater reward. Taylor threatened that he may not want to be with me because of the way I was treating him. It seems so obscure thinking back that I would put my relationship with the person I love the most in jeopardy over being thin, but that’s what feeling unworthy can do. It can grip so tight and put you in a pit of desperation. I quit the diet and the next day gorged myself with unhealthy food. I was either all in or all out.
I moved three hours south to attend the University of Cincinnati with Taylor that next year. I was in my own house and thought I could finally control my eating habits and my weight. Finally, I would get to the weight I wanted. After all, I was choosing what groceries I would have available to me. I was so wrong. I continued restricting my caloric intake, tracking all of my calories and eating low calorie snack packs rather than real food. Naturally for me, the restricting led to binging as soon as I missed a work out or gave into one treat. Most of the time I didn’t have enough food around to binge on so this led to stealing – stealing food from my roommates, my friends. To this day, I can’t lie about anything, but when it came to hiding my food binges or trying to purge afterwards, I could do that no problem. That’s what feeling unworthy can do. It can turn you into a deceitful person.
I was a slave to the scale. It controlled my mood, my relationships, my thoughts, and my desires. I only wanted the number to go down. I would like myself if I weighed xyz. I would feel worthy. I would feel happy.
All the while, Taylor and I found a church in Cincinnati, one much different than the traditional church I grew up in. I was hearing familiar bible stories but had a stirring in my heart – something I hadn’t felt before. I had said I accepted Jesus as my Lord, but yet I wasn’t even attempting to follow his commands.
I took a step forward with my relationship with Jesus during my last year of college and joined a women’s journey group through my church – the free journey. This was the first time I started opening up and exposing my secret life of shame, binge/restrict eating, compulsive exercise. These ladies were hearing me speak about it for the first time and accepted me right where I was. I had a weight that started to lift off my shoulders.
Later that year around graduation time, I was terrified at the fact that I had actually gone through with becoming a dietitian. How could I help anyone with a changing food habits when I couldn’t follow my own advice? I was drowning in a pool of non-existent judgement before my career had even begun. I decided I needed to tell Taylor everything. I couldn’t hide it anymore. I needed him to start to understand the daily struggle I was going through. I thought if he understood, he could help fix things. Exposing my secrets to Taylor lifted the weight even further from my shoulders. Relief. I was starting to feel relief but at the same time still felt in bondage.
That summer I moved back in with my parents for a series of knee/leg surgeries. During recovery I was forced to have minimum activity – two separate 12 week intervals on crutches was far from my ideal year as I knew activity to be a way to burn calories. Being stuck in bed or sitting around, I started listening to recorded sermons and listening to worship music. That fire in my heart was returning but more than ever. I was learning that God is good and wants good things for me. There is an enemy, and he lies. Being able to start separating what Jesus wanted for me vs. what the enemy was saying was a huge turning point.
I was driving in my car when I decided to sit in silence and talk to God out loud, right then and there. I don’t remember my exact words, but I surrendered my life to Him that day – not just the life people knew but my secret life. I wanted Him to have it all. I felt the chains I had been carrying for 10 years start to fall off. I was feeling freedom for the first time that day.
Since that day, I’ve still had bad days. It’s not a one and done deal. The enemy knows where to attack, but I’m aware of this. I have Jesus’s truth as a weapon in this battle that we’re all in against the enemy. When I thought becoming a dietitian was only a way to fuel my addiction of being thin, Jesus said he has a plan for my life – being able to use my experience as a light for others. My blog and Instagram account were birthed through me saying yes to what Jesus wants for my life. I know he is good and I am so worthy of His love and grace. My identity is found in Him – not in my weight, the size of my pants, whether or not I ate dessert today, or how much or little I worked out. My identity is no longer shame. I am a daughter of Jesus. I am free.
Thanks for reading, friends!
xoxo / Kels
Blog: www.thetasteoffreedom.net
Instagram: thetasteof.freedom
