8/4: I’ve focused on “taking every thought captive” and it has given me more liberty in eating. If I choose not to control the thought it will control me.
8/5: I didn’t even feel like walking today because my blood sugar was up and down. My dad took a trip with me to Cincinnati Premium Outlets. I couldn’t help but notice the many buff and fit people there. There were also advertisements for Crossfit in some stores. Exercise triggers were all around me, but for the first time, I wasn’t tempted. I thanked God for who He’s made me. He has made only one me and I’m the only one qualified to fill this role.
8/7: Today in church I took a full page of notes. I’m like a sponge yearning to learn and grow more. I ate a piece of Domino’s Pizza after church tonight. Believe me, this is a huge breakthrough! I never dreamed in a million years I’d ever touch pizza again. During the first week of my inpatient treatment at Remuda Ranch I was given pizza. Each person was served different foods and different amounts based upon their nutritional need. I was given a mega piece of pizza. I wanted to finish all of it because I didn’t want any points against me. If you accumulated a certain amount, you were kicked out of the program (or so I’d heard). I got halfway done and was so sick I was about to vomit, but the table monitor (food police) wasn’t about to budge, no rule changes. My poor shrunken stomach was not ready for this much food yet. I aim to please, so I finished the pizza as I sobbed. I went back to the lodge and lay on the floor in sickness and tears. I really thought I was going to die because I was so sick from eating it. The nurse even phoned my parents because she was concerned. It was not a pleasant experience, hence my fear of pizza.
8/8: I cut out pudding from breakfast. It wasn’t too hard, but I did have an extreme urge to do crossword puzzles. I focused on scripture cards and forgot about puzzles. Exercised out of compulsion today. I felt guilty the whole time, but I wanted that “high” that I get when I jog/walk. I would love to go one full day without depending on any addictions to gratify me.
8/9: I was on Social Security Disability for many years because of my health conditions. I was encouraged to file for an appeal when I was denied the second time but I didn’t. All I really wanted was to get back to work and to become independent. After being unemployed for so long I developed a fear of getting a job, fear of failure, the fear I’d get sick and have to quit. I don’t like to disappoint others or to fall short. I no longer fear. It starts now. I walked down the street and told a farmer friend of mine that I was looking to pick up some jobs and he said he’d like to have me clean his home. Yeah!
8/10: Although I substituted chocolate milk for pudding today, I still had a tremendous craving for the pudding. Here’s my eating disordered pudding issue; instead of selecting one flavor of a pudding cup and eating it I select 3 pudding cups, 3 different flavors and eat portions of each, not finishing any of them. I dabble around in these while munching here and there on a baggie of cereal, granola, graham crackers and rice cakes. It’s like I don’t want to be possibly disappointed if I choose one pudding and end up wishing I’d chosen another flavor. I don’t know if this is a result of perfectionism, greed, or the all-or-nothing attitude. Whatever it is, it’s not normal! Spent the evening with mom preparing and freezing corn from the garden. It’s so much fun working together. I’m so happy that I resisted the pudding today. My demeanor shows the joy in my feat.