“The footprints we leave behind show clearly where we have been, but they do not dictate where we can now go.” ~Ralph Martson
7/30: After church mom, dad, and I went to a see a musical. I felt irritated all day. Probably because I was tired, my back was killing me and my blood sugar was high. On the way home I was thinking out loud hoping for encouragement and advice from mom and dad. I mentioned that eating is fairly easy when the food is prepared and placed in front of me(DUH-I guess I thought God would drop a fairy godmaid to cater meals). I don’t know what kind of advice I was seeking, but the response I got from mom kindled a fire of hurt and anger in me. I immediately wanted to turn to every eating-disordered behavior possible. I knew Satan was trying to create a rift between mom and me. The fact was she loves me and would never say anything with intentions to hurt me. She’s been such a support and help throughout this addiction. Satan would like nothing more than to eliminate her from the picture. Whatever was said was because she loves me and wants only the best for my life. Instead of letting hurt and anger eat away at me and go back to all of my addictions like I so badly wanted to do, I decided I’d fight harder against Satan.
7/31: God is making me more aware of Satan’s tactics and temptations as I continue to seek Him by prayer and Bible study. I am more determined than ever to walk a life of obedience. I eliminated sugar-free pudding from breakfast. It was very hard and I craved it so badly, but this was another step of obedience I’ve needed to take. Thinking of this journey as a fight against Satan makes me fight harder to stay in close communion with God. He will win the victory.
8/1: Fear of failure no longer haunts me. Failure doesn’t even cross my mind. Listen, when you’ve been at the lowest point you could possibly be with absolutely no hope of getting out by your own means and God comes out of nowhere to rescue you, you will see divine power, strength and love that takes away any fear. If He could save me from that pit, He can do ANYTHING! I called about a job doing lawn maintenance and she told me to call her back next week because she’s having a new roof put on this week. I know God will open up a job that will be the perfect fit.
8/2: I’ve put another learning tool into place; reading scripture cards. In the past I’ve rarely looked at scripture cards(index cards w/Bible verses written). I just wasn’t ready to give up the eating disorder then and didn’t have the passion for obedience that I do now. There is so much fulfillment and satisfaction in memorizing scripture! Rae Lynn has always emphasized how important this discipline is. Guess what Rae Lynn? You’re absolutely right. Once I was willingly blind, but now I see! All I can think about is scriptures I’ve been reading and how many applications I could make if I was to write a series of sermons. My dad was a pastor for years, so scripture is not unfamiliar to me, but it’s coming to life now. God is revealing things to me I’ve never seen before.
8/3: Today, in the store bathroom, I was washing my hands when a woman said to me “Are you a runner, I wish I was as thin as you. I used to run before I had kids, then everything changed.” Oh, if I only had time to spill out all the gory details of this thin frame! I assured her that she was beautiful and left. I just wonder if Satan is trying to tempt me to stay thin. “…the devil walks about like a roaring lion seeking those he may devour.” 1Peter 5:8b. Sorry Satan, I’m not on tonight’s menu!!!!!