7/21: I just haven’t been able to shake off these painful feelings associated with past memories. I still feel like I’m in another world and can’t get back to reality. Went to bed crying with heartache.
7/23: I’m feeling so much more free and less fearful. The burden of keeping these emotions bottled in the recesses of my memory is being lifted. The scales are being peeled from my eyes. I went with mom to see my niece who’s 23 mos. Old. I look at her and hope that she never turns to a life of addiction!
7/24: Bomb time!! I stood face to face with fear and, only through God’s strength, stayed and ate pot-luck lunch at church. I really wanted to stay and just kept ignoring flashbacks of past eating disorder behaviors that gave me so much comfort. I’d never eat anything at church because I wanted to be close to my safe foods and then go straight into exercise. I had to question why I would not stay. What was I afraid of? I then started running pieces of scripture through my mind. “So do not fear, or I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God”(Is.41:10a) and one I customized to fit my situation, “The fear of man(I substitute “food” for “man”)brings a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD shall be safe.” Prov. 29:25. I’ve been extremely happy and so free all day. I don’t regret one minute of it!
7/28: I had so much fun out on the town with Rae Lynn today. I’m able to enjoy life now. I can even laugh again. I’m so thankful to God for bringing me out of the “dark belly of the whale”. In the past I would’ve said I couldn’t go, but I went with excitement. We even ate out I didn’t have one bit of guilt for eating something way out of my comfort zone. I’m finding that once I try doing something I’m afraid of, it makes it easier the next time. We also visited the Freedom Center and I just kept relating the issue of slavery to my own bondage. As I was reading snippets of the gruesome things done to slaves back then I couldn’t help but think of all of the physical, mental and spiritual brutality I’ve inflicted upon myself.
7/29: I got to baby-sit my niece today. She is so stubborn and very independent. I do believe this 23-month old has created a relationship between my youngest brother and I that was in need of further healing. I realized I still had some unresolved resentment in my heart even though I’d forgiven him and myself. I now can say I love him deeply!