5/25: Got caught in traffic and was almost 10 minutes late for a work meeting. I hate being late! They were so understanding. God placed me in a wonderful group of people.

I ran into a friend later and we talked for over an hour. She was very burdened about her son who has been missing for over a month. It’s like he just vanished. God doesn’t always call us to minister to another’s needs by talking and advice-giving. He uses us to be the listener and to say very few words. I’m honored that God would use me.

I began reading a new book, “Leading Like Jesus.” This book caught my eye at the library for some reason (Holy Spirit).

5/26: God used me again to be a witness to a neighbor. I can sense the Spirit pressing me on to full obedience. I’m still holding back in certain areas of my life, and I know it’s hindering that close relationship with God that I so earnestly want.

I called to see if I could babysit Ava for the evening. Amanda said that Brad surfaced and took her to the park. I told her that being with her dad was much more beneficial than being with me. Who knows how long he’s going to be around? I long for my brother to be saved more than anything. I love him so much. It’s hard to watch him live the life he has chosen.

5/29: Mom and I went to a Memorial Day ceremony at the cemetery. It was very hot standing in the sun and a teenage girl collapsed due to the heat. Her mom was shrieking for help for her daughter. She wasn’t unconscious long and was put in a chair in the shade. It’s so good to see people helping each other.

I was very moved when the trumpet solo was played and the soldiers stood in formation. It was beautiful. How gracious God has been to this nation. We are unlike other countries around the world, in that we are allowed to have community prayer like we did at this ceremony. Our freedoms are definitely being put to the test and some taken away. Even America is being plagued by darkness. I am thankful to be salt and light to the lost and dying world.

Went to visit Ava, Brad and Amanda. They just bought Ava a baby pool and she was excited about it. As soon as she took me out the door, she was headed straight for the pool. She ran right past it at full speed to chase a butterfly. It was adorable. She didn’t hesitate getting into the ice cold water after she chased the butterfly beyond her reach.

5/30: Got the June program done at work.

After I ate and took a walk, I mowed most of the yard. I’m learning so much from a bible study I’m doing and from the library book. I feel like I’m right on the verge of sacrificing all eating and exercise over to God. Why can’t I just do it? I really don’t know why I just can’t do it. What’s holding me back? I’m so tired of this continual self-inflicted cycle of addiction. One minute I’m full speed ahead, the next I’m stuck in reverse.

5/31: We had a department meeting. We, the Outreach Department, are working well together. I love meetings where brainstorming and sharing ideas are involved. There’s a lot that’s going to be happening over the summer.

Eating is not up to par. I regret overdoing the yogurt and pudding every time, and every time I tell myself, “You have to stop this right now. You are not going to do it at the next meal.” Then what happens? I go back and do it again the next meal. I get so frustrated with myself.

6/1: I got to work at the school today. It was their last day, and there were only 5 of us on duty. One of the other women resigned and the other took a personal day. We made it through with no problem. Many kids didn’t even show up at school.

Raelynn called to see how I’ve been doing. Accountability call. Eating has improved since yesterday, but I know I’m still slipping. I have been in earnest prayer that God will bring me to godly sorrow. I know deep in my heart this is why I haven’t changed my ways. I haven’t genuine sorrow for my sin. I desire it so badly, more than almost anything (aside from my brother’s salvation). Why am I not able to be truly repentant? Why is my heart so rebellious in this matter? I feel like such a dirty human.

I experienced delight tonight by doing some graphics/devotion posting on the net. It was uplifting.

6/2: Had to mow and rake again. Purchased a gently used weed eater at a yard sale. I got it off one of the women I work with. Spent almost all day tilling and planting the garden with my mom and dad. It’s so much more fun when we’re all in it together.

I’m feeling down today because of my devotion to addiction. I know I need to tell my parents about backsliding and get the secrets out in the open, but I resist doing it because I’m afraid of letting go of these sinful lusts. This is the way to healing. This is a necessary step to breaking the cycle of addiction. Please help me Heavenly Father to relent. To relinquish control and hand it all over.

6/4: I ordered devotionals and put them out for the Women’s Sunday School Class. They were very grateful. It is so wonderful to be surrounded by women who take every opportunity possible to learn about God. They are also a prayerful group. What a joy to serve with them. We all made prayer slips to my friend I ran into last week who’s son is missing. I’m sure it will comfort her heart to know many people are in prayer.

6/5: The local news channel ran a special interview with my friend who has the lost son. He’s been missing since April and there’s reason to believe he was a victim of foul play. My heart breaks for Linda. This is such a heavy burden on her.

Eating has been better.

6/6: The program at the health campus had a rough start. When I arrived, no one was in the Activities room and nothing was set up. I thought they forgot I was coming even though it is on every board and flyer in the facility. No, they were just running behind. It all worked out. Mom even came. It meant so much to me to see her there. She spent every spare hour at this facility when grandma was there. She is my role model of a fully dedicated daughter.

Eating went well.