3/30: Still eating superbly. I made the mistake of looking at myself in the mirror before taking a shower and the sight of my frail thin body ripped my heart out. Thoughts of helplessness and hopelessness tried to consume my thoughts. I immediately knew I had to stand strong and fight these thoughts. “Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth.” (Col. 3:2). “Rest in the LORD and wait patiently for Him” (Ps. 37:7a). “And the LORD, He is the One who goes before you. He will be with you, He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed” (Deut. 31:8). After meditating on scripture and singing praises, my head was lifted high in hope and joy. I hopped out of the shower and went straight to afternoon snack. 3 string mozzarella sticks with crackers and a Boost. I’m elated!!
The field is wet from the rain and I don’t want to be in my bedroom for study and prayer, so I found a new place in dad’s truck. It was so calm and peaceful listening to the bird’s sing. Change is good.
3/31: Another super day eating. I even added an extra Boost. It hasn’t been easy today, but I think the dreary weather has a lot to do with my mindset. I’m determined to pack in as many calories as my body can hold. My appetite for food decreased today, but I still managed to trudge through the thick of it. Have you ever been to the point where you don’t even want to go to the grocery store or even see or talk about food? That’s where I am tonight. Prayer: Stoke my fire again to a hearty appetite.
In my study, I was looking up tree grafting and somehow ended up on the woodchuck. Did you know that a woodchuck is just a nickname for a groundhog and it doesn’t even chuck wood? What a bummer for poor Mr. Groundhog. That’s like nicknaming a prairie dog a marsh cat.
4/1: I’m not in a good mood and don’t even know why not. Mom and I wanted to go to Goodwill. The dress code for my new library job is casual dress, and I have no dress pants that fit. They just slide right down to my ankles even when buttoned. I found some pants at Goodwill that fit. I’m so thankful it only took one time through the dressing room. I absolutely dread looking at my thin frame in the mirror. It’s at times like this that I want to see an external change immediately. Waiting is the excruciating part of weight gain for me. I continue in the strength that God has given me on this day and in this moment. I will wait patiently and rest upon Him who is able to do all things.
4/2: My afternoon snack and dinner were thrown awry because of Sunday church involvements and high glucose. It finally balanced out this evening, so I was able to get back to normal eating.
4/3: The people at work must’ve known I wasn’t up to par today. My body and mind were both sluggish. “Girl, have you lost weight?” asked one of the women. I told them I’ve lost almost 10 pounds since December. I’m very open about my struggle with addiction because I want others to see the work that God is doing through me. I’m sure this weight loss poses doubt and questions in a lot of peoples’ minds, but I know I’ve been eating better than ever and I’m not about to let this weight loss send me into a cycle of regression. Despite whatever reason for weight loss, I’m on a journey that is moving forward.
“….forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward (pursue) the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 3:13b-14).
I was so down, I just plopped on the couch in tears. Mom and dad asked questions and talked with me, and then I suggested we watch the Living in Truth video session on nutrition. Although I don’t like to watch myself on video, they wanted to watch my closing interview.
After the parent talk, video, study and prayer I was feeling much better. God introduced me to the next LITM devotion. He always comes through. Without Him, I could write nothing!
4/4: My first day at the library went very well. I got thrown into the mix of the outreach department quickly. Christine and I got to spend the morning doing a program for a local assisted living facility. I loved it! I got to spend lunch break with 2 others and wasn’t a bit nervous. Eating right and with others feels normal. I haven’t had this normalcy since middle school. So freeing.
A dear friend and Registered Dietician called me to try to give me some food choice ideas. It helps to get expert advice!
4/5: I wanted to do something for our neighborhood, so I picked up trash alongside the street. It was beginning to look messy.
I claimed my place of study in the sunny field. I cannot wait to mow and garden! God’s blessings are wonderful! I get to work 3 days next week. I enjoy having 2 different jobs. It gives me an opportunity to be among many different people.
I feel very unsettled today, especially tonight. I can’t pinpoint what it is, but I don’t like it at all!