Rhonda's Recovery Journey

“The footprints we leave behind show clearly where we have been, but they do not dictate where we can now go.” ~Ralph Martson

Week 40

3/16: The song I planned to sing Sunday didn’t work out. I had no problem with low voice range last week, but when I tried to practice it again I couldn’t even hear the right key to start in. I pulled out a few other songs to listen to and found the song after listening to 2 others. When I read the words and heard the demo, I knew this was the one.

Today at lunch, I began to experience a panic attack. I know I’m anxious in many areas of life currently. I began reading scripture cards and still couldn’t shake the anxiety. I dropped to my knees at the kitchen stool and began praying to God to take rid me of panic and anxious thoughts. I asked Him to continue to heal this area of unbelief that I have so that I can, by faith, place everything in my life in His hands and rest in Him. I wasn’t panicky anymore. These experiences are growing my faith in His power as you wouldn’t believe. The experiences are also causing me to read my scripture cards often. I’m becoming more aware of the eating desires and changes that are happening. As I become more and more aware of the character and love of God for me, my desires and actions become more Christ-like. Transformation is in progress from the inside out!

3/17: Listened to a message by Charles Stanley that had to do with courage. He used Joshua as his Bible topic.

I’m still having strange panic attacks. I tried to practice the song I chose to sing Sunday, but this one is not going to work either. This just isn’t my week. I don’t even know if these occurrences are panic attacks. I’m not blacking out or even getting dizzy.

Slept for 2 hours today because I got little sleep last night and just couldn’t function. It was nice to wake up to hear mom’s voice. She got off work a little early. We made a trip to Wal-Mart and then got to baby-sit Ava for a couple hours. She was so good.

Mom agreed to sing a duet w/me Sunday. Yeah.

3/18: Heartbroken today by something I read online. Christians are becoming desensitized to sinfulness. They are being hypnotized and put to sleep by Satan’s magic.

I went to see a concert by the Isaacs. It was really good.

3/19: Singing went smoothly. My brain is so foggy because I am running on 1 hour of sleep. I have insomnia again. I laid down this afternoon but couldn’t sleep so I went for a walk. Mom and dad even joined in.

Ate cheese and crackers on the way to choir while mom drove.

3/20: It has been a really rough day. I have a severe cold and sinus problem, extremely high blood sugar and constant twitching throughout my body with cramping legs and feet. It’s getting worse as the days progress. I called doc and got appt. tomorrow. My parents and I sat down to discuss these things and we all agreed that it is probably all the result of insufficient nutrition. I believe this was God’s way of pushing me forward in my recovery and out of the stagnant state I’ve been in. It lit a fire under me to “eat large!”

“The Holy Spirit works in our hearts, in the hearts of others, and in the events in our lives to point us in His direction. He uses all these things to cause us to hear and heed His voice.” (Discerning the Voice of God by Priscilla Shirer).

Library called to set up a 2nd interview. It’s all in God’s hands.

3/21: Today has been an utterly awesome day of eating. Praise God! I was becoming complacent in eating and not challenging myself. I am so thankful He sees my needs and doesn’t allow me to stay in complacency long. Whatever it takes, God, I want what you want.

The doc said my sodium is low and told me to decrease water intake to see if that’s the cause. If this doesn’t work, she’ll move forward in eliminating other possible causes. I feel such joy when my body is well nourished. One problem. When I’m highly delighted, I feel like going out to exercise.

3/22: Eating great! Exercise…I stand guilty and remorseful. I know what it is. When I’m tempted to exercise, I focus on my selfish desire to feed my old sinful flesh. I need to begin thinking about God’s abundant love for me and how much it hurts Him to see me walking in my old ways. He desires abundant life for me, but my sinful temporary satisfactions are resulting in an unwanted life of slavery.

My study time is still circling back to the days leading up to Christ’s death. I have become consumed by these events, the people, the torture, the love, the fulfillment of prophecy, and the…well, just the ALL of it.

To read Rhonda’s backstory, click here.