3/9: After I had my blood drawn at the hospital, I excitedly got out the lawn chair and positioned myself in the field for God time. How I’ve missed this place! The sun and warmth give me such refreshment and energy!
I was stressed about the library interview, but once I met the ladies and sat down I was quite relaxed. When they mentioned planning programs and activities for dementia/Alzheimer’s patients, my heart gushed with love and joy. My grandmother was a patient, and I learned so much from being around those dear people.
Doubts have been pounding at me like hail about the decision to join another church. Did I rush into it too quickly? Many more questions than this. I have been praying for discernment. The thing that haunts me most of all is wandering outside of God’s will. I spent much time in prayer about this decision and had a peace and joy about it, and the past few days have been nothing but doubt and unease.
3/10: Today I didn’t desire to exercise at all and had no guilt or anxiety about having a nutrition drink and taking flax oil. Mom got off early, so she, dad, and I went to Florence Mall area. Dad got to sit at the car shop and wait for the oil change and tire rotation while we wandered the stores. It hit me on the way over that I’d have to drive this long road again in 2 days to go to church. Uh, am I really up for this?
I ended up on my face heaving in tears tonight as I came before God. I’m in turmoil about this church switch. Did I run ahead of God? Was Satan casting doubt? Is God using this to humble me? I just want to do your will God, to hear Your answer, Your desires. Please speak to me! I’m in pain over this decision. Please, please, please speak! After prayer, meditation and study I didn’t receive a direct audible answer, but God, through the Spirit of the Word gave me what I did needed. (Deut. 31:6 and Prov. 3:5-6). Peace and assurance in knowing that He’s got this. He is in control, period. The peace He gave me left me in joyful song! His peace is the peace that surpasses all understanding. (Phil. 4:7).
3/11: I feel like a yo-yo. There is something within me that is unsettling. I’ve been very confused tonight about the thought that I am confused, wandering, searching for an answer to the church decision. I read something in “Discerning the Voice of God” that spoke to me. “Our God-given peace cannot be lost; but if something is not pleasing to God, peace will not rule. Inner peace is not ruling in my decision to switch churches. I had a wrestling time in prayer pouring out my heart to God with a depth of honesty and fervency that I’ve never experienced in prayer until now. I sensed the closeness of the Trinity that infiltrated every part of my being. I didn’t want to ever leave this place of intimacy. I told my parents that I would be attending my “old” church, my church of current membership and emailed the “new” church to make them aware that I was wavering and to put a hold on requesting a church letter. I’m just drained because of the inner struggle.
3/12: Last night I got an image in my mind of those burning in hell for eternity. As I tried to wrap my mind around them and the continual agony they were suffering and will be suffering forever, my heart ripped apart. I cried heavy tears as I pictured this in my mind. Then I cried even harder when each one I’d met on earth cried out to me from hell’s eternal agony.
My church received the request in the mail this morning before service, so they were probably a little shocked and confused to see me there. I emailed the pastor later to ask him to please put a halt to my request and told him of the decision I made in haste. I’m so confused about the will of God in my life it isn’t funny!
We went to a 70th birthday party for a relative and my aunt and uncle rode with us. We got lost on the way, but a kind man at a soccer game gave us directions. It was a wonderful party. I even ate the barbecue sandwich with ease! This time last year, I would’ve skipped the party so I wouldn’t have to deal with food. God has brought me so far! I was starving by the time we got back and took in enough food to count as another meal. I’m exhausted.
3/13: I’m on the verge of mental breakdown or meltdown. I got out of the house as soon as I could just to be around people. I even went to the nursing home. I hunted out a couple more jobs in town and spent the rest of the morning on applications.
While eating lunch my mind began getting hit with Satan’s darts. Minor things were swirling without ceasing. I quickly grabbed scripture cards and read them while I cooked a pot of chili. The ammo just kept on coming. Dad was playing his sax in the back bedroom, and I quickly went to tell him I was going for a walk. I didn’t want to walk at all, but didn’t know what else to do. I busted out in tears when I went in to see dad and he told me to come in and tell him what was going on. He said he knew exactly what I was experiencing because he has experienced the same demonic oppression in the past. He said, “We need to pray. We know that the demonic forces are much more powerful than we are, but we know the One who sits on the throne and has power over all things. Jesus Christ already has already won the victory.” As he was praying, I began sensing serenity. The constant hailstorm of anxiety and provoking thoughts…gone. It was such a sense of relief that I just leaned back and rested on the floor in peace. Dad then said, “Let’s pray again and thank God for sending His Son, Christ Jesus to die for us. The victory we have is due to His atoning blood.” I’m just in awe of the power of God! We both know Satan is never done, but we also know the One who has power over all! The rest of the day was peace and rest.
A leader’s meeting was scheduled for tonight, but I called to cancel out. I’m absolutely drained of energy. I was relieved to find that Raelynn was thinking about canceling it because the weather didn’t look so good. In study and prayer, I keep being drawn back to the cross. I cannot pray without floods of tears the whole time. Mom said “Are you getting a cold? You sound really nasally.” Inside I just laughed and thought nope I’ve just been with the King of Kings!
After seeking God diligently, I finally became settled in my heart to stay at my “old” church. I cannot even express the peace and joy I have now. I’m learning to discern the Spirit’s heart nudges little by little.
3/14: After lunch, dad and I went to the gym and then to Wal-Mart. In the parking lot, we had a “therapy” session. I expressed to him things that were a concern to me. Let me tell you what, he is the absolute best counselor I’ve ever known! This is his gift for sure. When I tell him it’s his gift he says, “Well, I’ve been there and done that.” Though he has taken some wrong roads in life, God has used them to teach him and to reach many others, including myself. God takes our failures and turns them into hope for generational futures.
While in study tonight, oppressive spirits began working in my mind again. I am coming to an awareness of the way these demons work. I describe it like this. It’s like when one of those fly/bee hybrid insects keeps flying around your head and won’t go away. You can’t do anything. It’s annoying you so much, to the point where you’re about to lose it. You can’t even succeed in killing it. That’s what it’s like to me. So here’s what I did. Dad told me to put on the armor and fight with the only weapon that works. So that’s what I did. I immediately entered into prayer. The name “Jesus Christ” isn’t just a name, it’s the Victory! I too, continued repeating, “I plead the blood of Jesus Christ over me. I know I am nothing against you Satan, but I’m a child of Almighty God and you are powerless under Him. God is more powerful than anyone or anything, period! I plead the blood of Jesus Christ.” I also pictured in my mind Christ’s blood being poured over my whole body from head to toe and of the atoning work He did at Calvary. Jesus Christ who died for me, precious blood shed at Calvary. Jesus Christ who died for me, His blood the atonement for my sins, praise Him, praise Him I’ve been set free!!! The harassing thoughts ceased. This weapon is absolutely unsurpassingly AWE—FULL!!!
3/15: Today I woke up a little earlier to make a couple of dishes for the funeral service of a friend/church member’s dad. I want to serve in my church with all of my heart. When I got to church for the service, only a few cars were in the parking lot. The service was at the funeral home and the meal at the church. It was all planned by God. He gave me a spot to fill being of service in the kitchen. What a truly amazing time I had. I got asked to serve at all upcoming events in the future and also to spend extra time learning all there is to know in this area of service. The pastor even told me he needed a singing special Sunday morning. Wow, I told God I was willing and wanted to serve Him in any way and anywhere and He not only blessed, He abundantly blessed!!!!