11/17: Got a wake-up call to sub today. I was hoping to work more this week, but I’m thankful for anything I can get. After lunch, I found myself having to eat again an hour later because I was so hungry. I wanted to walk and try to forget about the hunger, but I was so hungry that I couldn’t ignore it. I felt so much better after more food and rest.
11/18: I feel so far from God. It’s like I’m walking through a dry valley. I long for that zeal to learn, to grow, to be excited about praying. I don’t know what’s happening to me, but I hate it.
11/20: Feeling so depressed today. I’m sure one factor is seasonal depression. I stopped taking my anti-depressant in June because I knew a large part of that was due to the eating disorder. I was living a life of secrecy and sin on the “Love (aka Food) Boat.” The day I rendered myself powerless was when God stepped in and took the driver’s seat. The depression and obsessive thoughts have significantly decreased despite the fact that I don’t take anti-depressants anymore. Didn’t eat as much pudding for evening snack.
11/21: I’ve been in a joyful mood all day. The sun definitely helped my attitude. Got in a good Bible study on Hannah. Dad and I took a trip to Goodwill and I got a glittery red turtleneck that was on the .99 cents rack. I’m a bargain enthusiast.
Well, I’ve been dealing with insurance again trying to get glucose test strips. Insurance change=a lot of hassle. After talking to aggravating phone prompts and numerous reps I finally got the Rx for the brand my insurance would cover. Turns out they only cover for 50 test strips/month. I need 200/month. After calling a couple other people, the Kroger Pharmacy called and said my order was ready. ????? The insurance I previously had covered 200/mo. of the Freestyle brand, and that was exactly what was ready to be picked up. There is absolutely no other explanation for this wonderful ending other than the hand of God. I have no doubt! Before bed I bowed myself before His throne in thanksgiving and praise. My faith continues to grow as I see glimpses of God at work.
11/23: I have been cooking for tomorrow’s meal. How truly blessed we are to have so much. Multitudes of people around the world don’t even know what it’s like to have food within arm’s reach. When I think of starving people around the world, it makes me hate an eating disorder even more. I have used and abused food for as long as I can remember. I don’t even remember when the change began when I first started using food as a remedy for emotional pain. Food control became my pacifier. It soothed and calmed me just like a pacifier does a baby. All I can say is, I need food as nourishment to do what God has me to do—not for appeasement and soothing as Satan would like.