11/10: I did well today in resisting the overkill on cravings until dinner. I made crock-pot chicken cacciatore. I knew I’d be working at PAWS all day and wanted to come home to a hot and ready meal. I’m so tired, I could fall asleep standing up. I’m so frustrated and upset about the yogurt and pudding cravings. I’m so down, I just feel like giving up journaling. I’ve seen so many changes since June, so why is this pudding and yogurt craze still not gone. Why can’t I find anything to fill this craving? I wish God would make me so sick of these foods that I would never want to see them again.
11/11: Had French toast for bedtime snack and ate very little pudding/yogurt.
11/12: Didn’t eat any pudding/yogurt for breakfast, yet like a dog returning to its vomit, I gave in at later meals.
11/13: Cut out pudding/yogurt at breakfast and ingested an extra 200 calories at lunch. My blood sugar skyrocketed, despite the extra insulin. Just let me scream and cry!! The sugar high made me so sick; I had to lay down for awhile. Woke up feeling much better, so I went for a walk and then to Goody’s and Wal-Mart with mom.
11/14: Got news that my insulin pump provider can no longer service me because of the insurance change. Just great, here we go again calling umpteen numbers to try to find a new provider. I would love, love, love to be free of diabetes. I cannot even imagine how wonderful that would be. Caved to “the craving” at dinner. Had a cinnamon raisin English muffin and a piece of turkey bacon for a night snack and still had the craving. It’s like the pudding and the yogurt are laced with some kind of addictive drug. That’s how much I crave them. I want to quit so bad, but feel so stuck!!!
11/15: In prayer, I gazed at the sky and soaked in the awesomeness of God’s greatness. It brought me to tears to think that, God, who created the heavens, hears my prayers and takes pleasure in these meetings. I’ve been thinking so much about what being diabetes-free would look like. The freedom that would come with not having to be concerned with all of the diabetic “stuff.” I’ve spent quite a bit of time online looking for a used car because mine is ready to bite the dust. God has always supplied for me in every way and just in the knick of time, so I am not concerned.
11/16: I pulled myself through today in low gear because I’m so tired. I haven’t been sleeping well. Finding myself anxious over the upcoming holiday season meals, so I’ve been focusing on what I want as the outcome of these meals. My focus is that I will glorify God in eating and that the food He has lovingly supplied will nourish my body, His temple. I’m having trouble carrying out my meal-plan ideas. I plan out the meal I want to eat and when it comes that time, I eat the same old things I usually do. I eat good things; it’s just that I don’t eat enough. I found a very scary photo stuck in the pages of a book. It was a photo of me taken about 9 years ago. I was gazing into the hollow eyes of a starved girl. I never realized I looked so bad. I showed it to mom and we both just stared in horror. This picture and Hebrews 6 gave me the OOMPH that I needed to continue this journey and to never longingly look back!