11/3: It was a rough and non-stop day at work. The lady I usually work with was gone so a sub took her place. The sub worked, but we just didn’t click. She was very stressed almost to the point of spastic. I just remained calm and she seemed to grow calmer as time passed. I was so exhausted when I got home that I just wanted to sit down, eat a small snack, and do Math & Logic problems. I chose, rather, to eat my full lunch and let myself do 10 minutes of problems. I was so tired I couldn’t even think or see straight, so I rested a bit. I didn’t get any sleep, but the relaxation still helped. I went to Lowe’s with dad to pick up a couple of things. For some reason, I’ve really been irritated by him today. His singing and whistling are almost unbearable and he repeats things that I’ve heard more times than I care to count!!!!! Grrr….Dear dad, I love you infinitely much and would like to hug and kiss you, but, at the moment, I’d rather cut tune out and bite you. These are times when I try to play James 3:6 over and over in my mind.
11/4: I feel so down today. I spent all morning in my “God place” (the field). Work went much more smoothly today, but I still had the strong urge to sub a small snack for a full lunch. I ate a regular lunch and even had some extra chips just to push myself ahead. As the day drew on, I grew more and more depressed. By the time I got home from work, I was ready to bust out in tears. Since this was the same utter despair I had Sunday, I prayed the same prayer I did then. Much to my relief, the dark spirit vanished immediately and I was in good humor again. I believe these spirits are oppressing me more often because I have been spending more time with God. Took an evening trip to Wal-Mart and got next year’s Halloween goods at 75% off. Yeah!!
11/5: Went to vote with mom. I couldn’t believe all of the people voting early. Spent the day in Florence, KY shopping. I rarely buy anything, but I like to look anyway. Dead tired when we got back and wanted to eat dinner and plop down on the couch. Brad called to see if we could babysit, so there was definitely no rest! Ava dumped a huge jar of coins all over the floor and picked acorns and leaves off of the autumn framing I made for mom. Even so, she still puts a smile on my face.
11/7: Volunteered at a bi-annual yard sale set up today for PAWS animal shelter. I’ve done it for years, and it’s such a joy working with these people. They’re almost like family to me. Had another Living in Truth meeting to discuss work assignments, ideas, events, etc. I began feeling out of place when everyone got out their phone calendars to put in the date of the next get-together because I was putting the date into my phone and you could hear every button I pushed. It would be nice to be able to have newer gadgets and be up-to-date. Maybe in the future, I will be able to afford something else, but that’s not why I felt out of place. This scene brought back feelings of past insecurities and being different. I perceived myself to be the “different” one, the “odd” one. I was so down on the way home and began thanking God for the abundance of things in my life and for the evening I got to share with wonderful women. This gratitude conquered my “pity party” state of mind.
11/8: So oppressed. The first thing I did was pray so that I wouldn’t remain here. As soon as I walked into work my boss told me a position might be open at the beginning of the year and asked if I would want it. She’s going to let me know as things unfold. Yeah! Volunteered the rest of the day at the PAWS rummage sale. Night snack still not good. Blah.
11/9: Spent most of the day at PAWS again. The thought crossed my mind to skip dinner and continue working through the evening. No one would ever know. No one except myself and God. I also knew this would be a major setback and possible step toward the misery that I left in June. The thought of breaking God’s heart by this act yanked at my heart’s strings. I came home for dinner and then began searching for a new notebook for journaling. Instead, I stumbled upon one of my old journals and read something that hit me like a ton of bricks. Living every moment in the throes of addiction is a life of despair and pain.
Journal entry from June 2, 1999: Quite frankly, I’m at the end of my rope and all I have thought about is death. That’s just an easy way out of life, but right now I’m sick of trying to cope with trials. Each and every day is a battle. I need someone who will listen to me and help me along—someone who knows what I’m feeling.