10/20: It has been a rainy day, but I’ve been in good spirits. Dad and I had another chance to talk about God and about the joy of prayer. I spent my quiet time in the shed loft. It was so peaceful meeting with God while rain danced on the roof. I’m really struggling with the food cravings. They are so strong and I’m so weak in resisting. This is an area of continual prayer. I took a motorcycle ride through the countryside to unwind. I feel such joy taking in the beauty of nature and attuning my heart to the Creator. The smelly manure has a way of awakening my senses. Maybe I could claim I like to wake up and smell the….cow patties. I called my brother and spoke to him out of love. I do not condone any of his actions and despise the lies, but I love him and will take every chance I get to witness to him and to share my struggle with addictions. I doubt he heard a word of it, but it never hurts to try. I was emotionally rattled after our conversation because I’m frustrated by his blame games and lies. I just have to keep telling myself, it’s the addiction you’re talking to, not the person. I myself have used every lie in the book in order to hide the addiction.
10/21: I didn’t sleep well due to my conversation with my brother. My spirits are down, and I am restless so I made a quick decision to haul dad out for a day on the town. It gave us a chance to talk about everything. Being able to share my emotions and thoughts was a great release and relief. I used to bottle up all of my emotions and found my release in food restriction and exercise. The problem was these were very temporary. These weren’t even forms of release; they were merely ways to numb my mind from thinking about the issues.
10/22: Mom and I have to sing at the revival tonight, and I’m a bit anxious. We’ve never listened to the song more than a couple of times, so we have to learn the words and get our harmony down pat in a jiffy. The other song we’d planned on singing didn’t work out, and when she was naming other songs this one yelled out “pick me.” I still haven’t exercised out of unrelenting drivenness. I’m sure every exercise addict in the world knows the feelings of continual anxiety, continual thoughts about what you can do to fit in more exercise than the previous time, and the churning in the stomach awaiting the next exercise binge. It’s all-consuming. My high now comes when I can plant my chair in the field and have my time with God. It is a lasting high that is and will continue to reap much fruit. Sigh… contentment. Well, mom and I went to church to have the sound man adjust our mikes and amps. Of all things, our CD wouldn’t read. They tried everything to get it to work to no avail. I think there was some demonic activity in the spiritual realm. Substituted cottage cheese for pudding/yogurt tonight. It just didn’t hit the spot to be honest.
10/23: The choir sang this morning and I could sense the Spirit. Oh the joy that floods my soul at these filling times. Went to visit my niece and my brother’s girlfriend. Brad was there when we arrived. He’d come to spend some time with Ava. He was not up for small talk. He was rude and angry in his responses and left quickly. My heart aches for the state that his heart is in.
10/24: Dad and I talked at length about God again. I am seeing a change before my very eyes. He is talking about God more and more and is even listening to Dr. Jeremiah’s online sermons. He even went to revival every night. I have long awaited these signs of change! My heart is exceedingly joyful!