Words of experiential advice from a well-seasoned sinner (Me): Even when you are sinning, do not run from God, do not hide, and do not isolate yourself in silence from Him. This is what Satan desires. Come to God, continue to pray for a change of heart, confess to Him your struggle with sin and admit your insufficiencies. Pray, pray, pray my friends or else you will fall and remain wounded on the battlefield.
9/29: My brother’s girlfriend showed me around the house they’re now renting. She was on her way to do some more cleaning and moving at the previous house, so I volunteered to pitch in and help. As we were cleaning she released a burden to me that she’s been carrying. I offered a listening ear, some words of wisdom, and told her I would be in much prayer about this situation and in prayer for their whole family. I’m sure it was a relief for her to be able to share this burden. It’s so hard to see family going through such struggles.
9/30: I overdid it on the pudding and yogurt tonight. I know this is emotional eating due to what Amanda shared with me yesterday, yet I willfully chose to participate in sinful eating. Every time I do these things I wish I could push rewind and be able to do the scene over again. Regret.
10/1: My family and I went shopping this afternoon and got home way past my regular dinner time. I wanted so badly just to eat a small snack but knew this could lead to the same thing tomorrow, so I ate dinner despite the thoughts of cutting back. Yet again, I participated in the same pudding and yogurt bedtime snack. Just wish I could stop. I’m so miserable.
10/2: After church and lunch, mom and I happened to run into a woman she used to work with. She introduced me and of all things, this woman now works in the same school cafeteria I will be working! She said her boss had told them that a new sub had been hired. The people I am going to be working with are so nice. I have no doubt God placed this woman in my path today to reassure me of His continual guidance and faithfulness.
10/3: This morning we had a Living in Truth organizational meeting. It’s amazing that God has gifted each of His children with various gifts working in unity to be used by Him to do His will. Without His empowerment, we are just an ineffective group of women, but with His empowerment, we can expect to see great and wonderful things.
10/4: Stopped by the school to drop off paperwork I had to fill out for the new job. The Director of Administration said she’s sending word out to the schools that I’m available to sub as soon as the background check is done. This wouldn’t take more than a few minutes. After lunch, dad and I picked and canned beans most of the day. Raelynn asked me to write a monthly devotion for the website. I gladly accepted. God is teaching me so much on this journey and I pray that He will give me the words to communicate it clearly through writing. I can’t wait to see what He inspires me to write.
10/5: Mom took off work today to go on a family outing to Whitey’s Flea Market. On the way, I did my Bible reading and Beth Moore’s “Praying God’s Word.” Before reading, I prayed that God would speak to me in a mighty way. I feel like I’m in a hamster wheel on this journey and seeing little movement in my compulsive thoughts and actions. Whoa, I’ll tell you what, the chapter I started on was “Overcoming Ongoing Feelings of Guilt.” I was absolutely blown away after reading. God had revealed a golden nugget that will be a major key in changing my thoughts and actions. After lunch, I played catch up on journal postings and then went for a walk and thought about the reading.
My golden nugget in the words of Beth Moore:
“I was deeply puzzled over ongoing feelings of ‘guilt’ deep within me over a sin for which I had asked forgiveness many times. I could not understand why I never felt out from under the weight or burden of it. Years later God pried my eyes open to 2 Corinthians 7:10: ‘Godly sorrow brings repentance.’ Suddenly I realized that I had never developed a godly sorrow over it. In fact, I realized I ‘had cherished sin in my heart’ (Psalm 66:18), hanging on to it emotionally though I had let go of it physically.”
From this time forward it’s time to do the same thing she did. I will pray for godly sorrow to come so that I can be rid of my cherished sins.