9/15: The desire to do Math & Logic puzzles has lingered all day. I began to do a puzzle at lunch but put it away because I knew what it would lead to. I baked another custard pie for mom. Voila, it turned out perfect. I’ve been spending time online searching for a job. Concerned because I have no resume and have no idea who I’d list as business references because I’ve been on disability for so long. I’ve been walking too much in the evening. Oh, God, please help me!
9/16: I ate a boatload for breakfast with no guilt. My stomach was an empty pit.
9/17: Tended to my friend’s dogs today while she’s out of town. Mom and Dad are out of town for the day so I have the house to myself. I feel at a loss already for not going on the road trip with mom and dad to revisit where he was born and then to Renfro Valley to hear The Isaacs sing. Today has been shot. I did puzzles at every meal and over-exercised. I didn’t pray or study Bible today either. I’m in a dark, miserable place of sin and feel so far gone and separated from God. I DO NOT want to remain here!!! I prayed and confessed every last detail to God. I know He forgives me, so why do I find it so hard to forgive myself?
9/18: Back in the saddle today. Good eating, no puzzles, and a short walk. I even took a nap after church. I’m absolutely drained after all of the sinful indulgences yesterday. I got a job application for a cafeteria worker for the school and one for a kennel technician for PAWS.
9/19: Morning devotion: God does not call the qualified. He calls those who are willing to sacrifice themselves fully to follow Him. This is my greatest heart’s desire!!! A friend is coming into town for a brief time to visit and Raelynn invited us over tomorrow. OK, I agreed to share my struggles openly. I want to fit in exercise before the meeting. I don’t even know how much exercise I’d want or if I’ll even want to exercise, and yet I’m trying to think of excuses for being late if it comes to that. So ashamed of these thoughts I hate even confessing them, but I’ve become so entrenched in lying to participate in sin that these thoughts have become a pattern. To stop them I had to picture myself not exercising, driving to Raelynn’s, arriving and staying until everything was finished.
9/20: As soon as my eyes opened I prayed to God to keep away any impending thoughts of exercise. I spent my time studying, took a shower and arrived with vigor. I had a wonderful time with the girls and got to enjoy the company of Shannon’s little ones. Raelynn invited us to stay for lunch and announced chicken alfredo would be served. I told myself when I started this journey that I would trust God and rise to challenges. I’ve never had chicken alfredo but graciously accepted. In my mind, anything like alfredo has fat written all over it. Oh well, it was very good. I didn’t even think about fat or calorie content while I was eating nor after I ate. It was nourishment, no guilt, no depression. Thank you God for this strength and serenity! I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!!