9/9: Went to street sale. I spent more time talking than looking, but it lifted my spirits on this gloomy day. I’m so tired today and my appetite has been ferocious. I had to have 3 extra snacks. It annoys me to be hungry all day long and have to munch on snacks so often. Grilled up some chicken and potatoes for dinner. Anything on the grill is great. I’m so depressed that I didn’t even go for a walk tonight with mom and dad. Me? Not want to walk???? Mom thinks I’m crazy. I reminded her that she’s the one who bore this baby.
9/10: I’m very depressed again today. Mom got me out for a walk by the river. It helped a little. Brad, my brother, dropped of Ava. Her hands were into everything as soon as she entered the house. She likes to get into things that are “no-no’s” like the medication cabinet. She laid hold of the antacid tablets this time. She’s quicker and slicker than any kid I’ve seen. Thankfully, she was apprehended before ingestion. While mom and Ava were down for a nap, I went to the library. I was so depressed, I pleaded with God to give me a book that would lift my mood. He did, actually 2 books! I sat and read for almost 2 hours before checking out. Felt so much better. As I backed out of the parking spot, I lightly hit the car parked behind me. My heart sank as I got out of my car to see the damage. There were several dings and scratches on their bumper, so I couldn’t tell what my contribution was. I had the owners of the car paged and told them the dreaded news. The young woman looked at the car and said, “There’s just a little scratch, don’t worry about it.” What? Could I be hearing things? My carelessness is forgiven, just like that? Amazed by her graciousness, I rained “thank you” upon her several times. God’s hand was definitely at work yet again.
9/11: Only got 4 hours of sleep. It’s probably because I’m nervous about singing a duet w/mom in the morning service. Each time we sing, I sense the Spirit moving. After it’s done I’m always thankful that God gave mom and me the vocals to be able to harmonize so well. It’s a joy singing with her and for God’s glory. Went to choir, but not church. I’m so stinkin’ tired. Ate dinner and took a ride w/dad to Steak & Shake. Came home and watched TV.
9/12: My appetite has been ravenous again today. Even with the snacks, I’m still hungry at the regular meal times. Took a walk that I shouldn’t have. It’s like I’m not completely satisfied with myself until I’ve worn myself out by the end of the day. How can completely draining myself physically make me feel so full emotionally? I’m lying to myself. Tonight I read a quote out of Francis Frangipane’s book, Holiness, Truth and the Presence of God, that stood out to me.
“Each area of our lives that is controlled by sin is an aspect of our soul under deception….Consequently, the more truthful one becomes with himself and God, the more he is delivered from the ‘deceitfulness of sin’ (Heb.3:13), allowing righteousness to come forth.”
9/13: Ate waffles again with cottage cheese and turkey bacon. Brummel & Brown is one of the newer food staples I’ve added to my nutritional content. You are so delicious B & B, I don’t know how I survived without you. ( : I have been using it long enough to be completely comfortable eating it. I used to choose foods and beverages that were labeled fat free. Believe me; my body has reaped the consequences of fat deprivation! If I only knew then what I know now. Actually, I was so deeply rooted in addiction that I probably wouldn’t have changed a thing, despite knowing the future. Not that I didn’t want to get better, just the fact that I wasn’t able to let go. I would hold on at any cost. Raelynn called today and ministered to my aching soul about my fears of getting a job and losing the health insurance I so desperately need. Her guidance and listening ear gave me much relief and sense of freedom. Her talk gave me extra energy for the concrete work dad and I were engulfed in all afternoon.
9/14: Tossed around the calorie counts of various things I could eat for breakfast with the goal of choosing the least caloric. Stop, think about it. What do I crave? What will give me the nourishment I need for this temple? Done. Oatmeal, turkey bacon, and fruit. My friend has been burdened with the loss of her grandmother and her father who has just been diagnosed with cancer. She has to go out of town this weekend, so I volunteered to tend to her dogs. Doggy-sit? Any day! Spent all day with dad sawing down trees. I think I lost 20-lbs in sweat alone. HOT!!! I baked mom’s favorite, custard pie, for her birthday. She took a big old bite and just about choked to death. I got the jars of salt and sugar mixed up and yes added ½ cup of salt instead of sugar. Oops! After choking awhile, she graciously thanked me for my efforts.
“Although it seems safe and logical to be in charge of your life, being in charge becomes a heavy, lonely responsibility. Your Father graciously offers to take your life, protect you, strengthen you, and comfort you on your journey. You need not fear relinquishment, for it leads to freedom, security and the real you.” – Cynthia Heald