8/18: I decided to switch prayer and study to a later time because I am unfocused in the morning. I will continue to listen to Joyce Meyer and small devotion w/scripture cards when I first awake. I’m doing well with the pudding cutback. I still find myself getting ready to spit out food out of habit. I didn’t realize this habit was so prevalent. I am still abstinent in spitting out food thank goodness.
8/19: Bought a different kind of oatmeal because it was a closeout deal. It just so happens that it has more calories and protein than my usual oatmeal. I had it for breakfast and it was so satisfying that I could eat it for every meal! I feel like I’m slipping away from God and recovery. Don’t know why. All I can do is continue to let scripture penetrate my heart and allow God to work.
8/20: Ate a bite of mom’s biscuit after I’d eaten breakfast. It reminded me of childhood when dad would fix a can of biscuits each morning before the school bus came. We would split the can of biscuits, 4 each, smothered in butter. Not the healthiest, but I was very active anyway and could handle the mass.
8/21: In an attempt to make a milkshake today, much went awry. One of the blender blades broke. It hit so hard that it put a quarter-sized hole in the side. The shake flew everywhere! My mom’s lampshades now have leopards’ spots. At mom’s suggestion, I used a hand mixer instead which didn’t work out. As I wash washing the prongs, I noticed water pouring from the cabinet below. The kitchen floor was soaked. At my “HELP”, dad went to the basement to shut off the water. Even the basement floor was flooded in that area. Turns out, the under-sink water filter split, thus the flood. Did Satan not want me to have a milkshake or was this all coincidence? Tonight was the first night I didn’t want yogurt and pudding for bedtime snack. I chose toast with butter and jelly instead. Thanking God right now for a different craving.
8/22: It feels so good to be able to do only 25 minutes of crossword/Math & Logic problems and willingly put them away! This is true control. Today I’ve been searching for a job. I feel so dependent upon my parents and I want so badly to be able to fly on my own. I’ve been very self-focused today which has resulted in feelings of depression and worthlessness.
8/23: Not a good exercise day. I overdid it again and now all I have to show for it is guilt, misery and shame. I wish I could share with someone; I don’t like bottling up sinfulness. It eats away at me. I’m still seeking encouragement from my parents in this recovery process. God gave me a promise in June, yet I still have a need for their attendance in the crowd of cheers.
8/24: I’m so sick today with nausea and very achy bones. This happens every now and then. I feel like vomiting, but I do not because it would be a trigger to purge after eating. I felt better after sleeping for a few hours. Tonight I ate one container of pudding instead of dabbling around in 3. When I think about this habit, I have to wonder how or why I even started this pudding habit. Really, who’s ever heard of taking 3 different flavors of pudding, taking a few bites of each and then combining them in 2 different containers? It sounds crazy just writing about it, yet it’s something I continue to do. Why, why why?