By Kelsey Klepper
Ten years ago, I restricted calories and worked out obsessively until my behaviors would swing in the opposite direction – no movement and binges. This went on for years- different food restrictions but nevertheless, it was restriction which eventually always led to bingeing.
Five years ago, I told myself I was going to start taking care of myself and fueling my body with ‘whole foods.’ This quickly escalated into a “food is for fuel” and “whole foods are the only foods” mentality. I took calories out of the equation and focused on making “healthified” versions of everything, including sweets (Ex: eating dates rather than sugar, and banana ‘nice’ cream rather than ice cream). I’m not demonizing banana ice cream or dates for the record. I still love them both, but I couldn’t just enjoy ice cream or a brownie not made of ‘whole foods.’ I was living in another form of restriction, which again caused a lot of guilt and shame around eating and my body. This too went on for years.
And now, although not food related because I am free from the bondage of diets and restriction (Praise Jesus!), I still have extreme behaviors that mostly manifest now as feeling like I need to have a spotless house or being the ‘perfect’ mom.
We tend to lean towards extreme behaviors because we are living out of fear: fear of failure, fear of not being enough, you name your fear.
For me, it used to be fear of weight gain and my body changing. I feared not being good enough, and I definitely didn’t think I was good enough in a body that didn’t fit societal acceptance. I feared living in an ‘unhealthy’ body. So what did I do? I chose extreme behaviors to try and compensate for my fears. I thought my behaviors were ways to “control” my fears (ie: restrict how I ate to lose weight and make my body smaller). My extreme behaviors never lasted and certainly never calmed my fears. If anything, they only made them worse.
Over and over again, God tells us “do not fear. Do not be afraid. I will calm your fears if you trust in me.”
Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me (Psalm 23:4).
I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears (Psalm 34:4).
I first had to recognize that my behaviors (although quite normal in our culture) were extreme and were only allowing me to live a destructive lifestyle. Admitting this allowed me to look at why I was choosing these things in the first place; I had to look at my fears head on. Then, I could let biblical truth sink in and not allow fear to choose my identity but rather know my identity in Jesus.
Is fear still holding me captive at times but just in different places in my life? Yes, it is, but it’s not controlling my life like it once was. I think society wants us to believe that the gray area is murky and a bad place to be; that we need to be all in or out. The gray area though brings more peace and less fear, more compassion and less shame. I find peace living in the gray area rather than in the extreme behaviors. Less extreme behaviors = less fear which means more Jesus.
