What you are about to read is one woman’s recovery journey up-close, personal, and in real time. Rhonda Stinson, my longtime friend and sister in Christ, has been battling an eating disorder for a very long time. She is ready to be free! Over the coming weeks and months, Rhonda has agreed to share her journey with us – the good, the bad, and the ugly. We pray that you are encouraged and empowered through her story.
The footprints we leave behind show clearly where we have been, but they do not dictate where we can now go. ~Ralph Martson
By Rhonda Stinson
Update: I have been doing great in not indulging in puzzles and I haven’t spit anything out since 6/8.
In case you’re wondering…
Doing Math & Logic problems and crossword/variety puzzles helped me to go into a place of numbness. My mind could grip around the puzzle, making me oblivious to anything else. It was a place of peace and comfort.
As for chewing up food and spitting it out; this was a way of tasting food without taking in calories. It was also safer for me to do this than to purge. This also resulted in nausea, stomach pains and severe depression. The depression was because I knew I was sinning against God, but felt I had no control over the addiction. I was bound in chains.
Journal Entries
July 7: I’m feeling a bit down today because of my lack of progression. It’s like I’ve hit a brick wall. I’m not moving forward nor backward, just idling in neutral. It’s like I’m lost at sea with no sense of direction. Starting to think that these journal posts are very boring and that Rae Lynn could really generate more interest by using posts by other writers. Then I began reading Living Free by Beth Moore and God spoke to my heart that what I need to do is obey and trust Him, despite what I’m feeling. Feelings can be very deceiving. Truth: “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.” (Prov. 3:5)
July 9: I chose not to exercise today and ate shredded cheese for the first time in years. I continue to get frustrated with myself because I just can’t seem to pull away from sugar-free puddings and yogurt. I have such a craving for these things at every meal. I feel so tired and sluggish; probably depression.
July 11: I’m in such a good mood today! It’s a welcome relief from the depression that I’ve had. Getting so much out of the Living Free book and have also been staying true to making prayer and Bible study the first things I do in the morning. I keep reading things that say, as we grow closer into relationship with God, our faith and trust begin to grow. I got a call from a new friend from church who is overwhelmed with three lively children and a messy house. She’s been depressed by the situation, so I told her I would come over this week to help her clean her house. I could hear the relief in her voice as we closed.
July 12: Well, I admit it. No secrets…I will try to do all I can to stay out of the bondage of lies. My entire eating disordered life has revolved around lying. My mind would swim trying to think up lies to cover up my sins. I hated lying to others and couldn’t stand it when others lied. To this kind of thinking, all I have to say is, “take the plank out of your own eye, Rhonda.” OK, I over-exercised again today. How long will I continue hitting my head against a wall? I helped my friend clean her house today. It was so nice doing something for someone else. Parents can feel utterly helpless when trying to take care of children day in and day out. I’m glad I got a chance to sit and talk with her and help her get things a little more organized.
July 13: I’m still doing very well in restraint from crossword puzzles and Math & Logic problems. I just happened to see that the new Math & Logic book is on the shelf. I refuse to buy it because I know where it will lead. Yep, I did over-exercise again today. UGGGH, I’m so frustrated!!! I confessed and repented to God, expressing all of my feelings. I know He hears my cries and knows my heart’s desire is to walk in obedience.
Thank you for posting Rhonda. I have read all of your posts and really appreciate your willingness to share your journey. You are a blessing to me. I can identify with a lot of what you write and express as you walk this out day by day. The ups and downs of emotions, the seemingly achingly slow progress, the happy forward days only to slip backwards in thought or behavior. My story may be different in many ways but yet I see so many similarities. Hang in there! I know God is good and He will get us both there; moment by moment, day by day, year to year. I agree, it is not always a very pleasant or easy journey…But it’s also not over! I am so thankful Christ is with us and in us. He promises to work ALL things to the good for those who love Him and are called according to His purposes(Roman 8:28). Our stories and lives are called to His purposes and for His glory. The enemy only thought he could destroy us. We have the victory in Christ. I hope you keep posting and do know I am praying for you too.